First Day Instructions

Being that I recently started a new job, it got me thinking about just how interesting first days of work really are. Like many first dayers, between wondering if I had made the right decision and wondering if I had seriously forgotten to wear deodorant, I was also given roughly 8 billion instructions of varying importance by 5 people whose names I was unsure of roughly 10 seconds after meeting them. (Her: Hi! I'm Sheila! Nice to meet you! Me (in my head): Sheila. Sheila. Sheila. Walrus. What? Walrus? Shelly. Shelly. Shit.)

Which got me thinking...Could we not pass a Federal Law that require all of the other employees to wear name tags which would detail not only their names, but also their position's relationship to your position?

For instance: "Name: Stephen. Position: Your supervisor. What this really means: Responsible for your performance reviews/and or salary adjustments. Nicey, nicey!" or "Name: Carol. Position: Front Desk Manager. What this really means: Knows everything about everyone. Wicked ally. Nicey, nicey!"

Discuss.

Like I was saying, the new employee instructions were delivered in a light, and carefree manner that would not cause a new employee to run and beg for a job at the nearest Farm Credit Canada branch. For instance, the instructions included these important nuggets: "This is the kitchen" "This guy is new, too" "Here is where we keep the pens" "Here's where we keep the toilets" "Here's how you submit your timesheets" and "This is how to disarm the alarm system".

Because I was busy trying to make a good impression by appearing smart (hello, probationary period!) and because I distinctly recall being totally preoccupied by the alarming rate that my underarms were generating moisture, I feared even then that I wasn't paying near enough attention to the alarm part. This piece of obviousness was never clearer than very recently, when I did just about the worst thing a 3 weeker could do. (Besides plugging a toilet. Which, for the record, I've never done.) I set off the burglar alarm. That's right. I typed in the magic code, and neglected to press "off" followed by "disarm" and "stand down" simultaneously while standing on one leg, singing the Star Spangled Banner. This gaffe resulted in a very uncomfortable exchange between myself, and what sounded to me like an alarm company employee who moonlights for a Jihadist terror group.

When I say everything worked out in the end, what I really mean is my co-worker Jason magically appeared and disarmed the alarm, as the Jihadist was convinced that I was here to steal the solid gold bricks that everyone knows we keep in the photocopier. In any case, I think I learned a valuable lesson about first days that I think is Universal. And it is:

“Even if you don't remember anyone's name, for crying out loud, remember deodorant.”